Loss of Friends
Yesterday I lost three friends. Two have left this plane of existence due to cancer, literally within a day of each other. Two separate families have lost their loved ones. The sadness that I feel that this world is darker for losing two amazing people is unbearable.
The third friend still exists on this plane existence but has chosen to no longer be in my life due to what I am currently writing as a misunderstanding. There is a lot to unpack with what happened yesterday with that friend. And I will be writing about that. Later.
So yesterday was a crappy day. I am still processing all of the things that occurred yesterday. And most likely will be processing them for a while. No matter how we lose the people in our life, the grieving process is, well, a process.
Ready for Therapy
Is it Monday afternoon yet? I need my therapist. As hubs and I talked about it yesterday, I could call my therapist and talk with her, but this isn’t an emergency. I am not having suicidal thoughts or anything like that. I am sad. Extremely sad. Like ugly crying super sad.
I mean, for me, there isn’t anything other than ugly crying, but that seems to be the go-to for explaining that face scrunched, snot running, body racking from the sobs crying. That was me yesterday. Today is slightly better, but I think I dehydrated myself yesterday, and I have no more liquid to form tears.
Cancer is an asshat for taking my friends too soon. Cancer sucks! Like it seriously is the worst. I have lost my favorite people to cancer. They were all taken too soon, as far as I am concerned. They were all the most amazing people.
And there was nothing that I could do. Not a damn thing. I watched from a distance (I don’t live in Maryland anymore) as their families posted their pictures on FB. I engaged the best I could.
Memories of M
When my dear friend M’s treatment didn’t work, and his care became more pain management than anything else, I wanted to reach out. But, I didn’t reach out as I know how overwhelming that can be.
Everyone wants to be near you, which isn’t what I would want. I would want to spend time with hubs, which I did for M and his wife. Maybe that was the wrong choice? I don’t know. I know that I am flying to Maryland to celebrate his life. There is nothing that would stop me from doing that.
His smile was infectious and would light up the whole room. He and I would have conversations about all sorts of things. He was an avid hunter, and I was happy to eat that deer. Nom, nom. Very tasty. But it is his smile that I will miss the most.
Memories of R
When my other friend, my friend’s mom, I considered her my friend too. The three of us would go to paint nights and have a blast. I remember those times with such a wonderful glow. When I have a terrible moment, I will return to those times and allow my agitated brain to feel that warmth again. It helps.
She loved that I started not following the instructions on other paint nights. She was always supportive of my creativity. She was the mom I wished that I had. She was that person with her beautiful bright soul, creativity, love for everyone, and understanding for all things. She brought a calmness when she was in the room. She calmed my soul for someone who is constantly on edge (even back in those days when I didn’t know I was on edge).
My wish is that we find a cure for cancer. It is such BS that money is spent sending rich people into space on giant penises, yet many people here need that money to fund their research. Have you ever tried to get money to fund research? I have. And it is a BS political ass-kissing game that makes me sick to my stomach. My first wish is for those who have that much money to spend it better.
In the meantime, my second wish is to be granted superpowers to transfer cancer from my friend’s bodies to the bodies of people who are abusers. The abusers seem to live forever, and that is such bullshit. My friends deserve to enjoy a continued, wonderful life with their loved ones. Abusers? Nope, they deserve to die, for they are a blight on this world.
Yes, if I were a god, I would be quite the ruthless asshole. I get that, and I am okay with it. I don’t have a problem giving an illness to horrible people so that they may die a horrendous death and save my friends from that horribleness. Zero problems with that. Zero.