Ignorance is Bliss (?)
Not many people ask me about my sobriety. Or about my mental health journey. They don’t ask me how it’s going. No one asks me questions about it. I have no idea what they think. Do they even have questions? I have no idea. One would assume that they do. How can they not? If I were them, I would.
I have been them, on the other side watching someone’s journey, and I had many questions. It was years ago before I started on this path, that a friend of mine went to rehab. I visited her, and when she got out, she told me that she couldn’t have contact with me because my presence was a trigger.
My response? “Not a problem. I understand. I am here when and if you are ready.”
Even back then, still in denial about my addiction, I knew the difficulty of the journey she was undertaking. I did not take what she asked of me personally. Even though my very presence was a trigger, she needed to do that so that she could be the best for herself. I couldn’t be selfish.
Now, I am on this side of things. I have more questions than I did being on the other side. It’s one of the reasons for this blog. I write to figure things out. So I might as well share with the rest of the world. Maybe it will help someone else. That is how I feel. If I go through this shit show, I want someone else to be helped.
And yet, here I am, in the midst of people, in my sober and healing journey, and yet, there is silence on the other side. It simply became the fact that I don’t drink. It merely became the fact that I am in weekly therapy and on medication. Or maybe people don’t know that because they don’t ask.
Side Note: I don’t want anyone reading this to think that I don’t have people around me who ask how I am doing. Because I do. I don’t live near those people though. I miss them. I miss having people around me who come from a place of curiosity and support. For it those last two, curiosity and support, that tell people you care about them. And I do have that.
Am I Bruno?
Oh no, is this what it’s like to be wrapped up in the shame of others? Am I Bruno??? Bruno references the Disney movie Encanto if anyone reading this hasn’t seen the film. And if you haven’t seen it, you should.
As I thought about my role as Bruno I started running around my brain with questions.
Are they not asking me questions because they are ashamed of me in my sobriety?
Are they ashamed of my mental health journey?
Are they scared?
Why don’t people ask me?
Am I someone to be ashamed of because of my journey?
Should I feel shame?
Should I not talk about this stuff because I should feel shame or guilt?
I will answer the last three questions because those are the only ones that I can answer. I have no idea what goes on in the mind of others.
The answer is NO. No, I am not someone to be ashamed of because of my journey. On the contrary, I am someone to be proud of. My journey through childhood abuse, alcoholism, and mental illness is something to be talked about. Don’t Bruno me. Note: Yes it is a direct reference to Encanto. So you really need to watch that movie if you haven’t already.
Here is the thing, my journey, me, it’s all incredible. So I am sorry for people who can’t see that and who can’t seem to adjust their interactions to engage with me as I am now. Because here is what is going to happen, I am not going to be interested in trying to engage with you. The better way to help me is to ask questions.
Regarding the “should I feel shame?” DOUBLE NO. I will no longer hide behind that screen of shame and guilt.
You all definitely should not feel shame about, for, or anything regarding ME.
I have something to write, I am swinging back to the question, “Am I someone to be ashamed of because of my journey?”