Leave Survival Behind

You see, walking into the light meant leaving survival behind and entering thriving. Thriving is where I can indeed be myself without the armor or defenses. But how? And that is where bearing witness comes into my strategy.

The more I stood there, I wanted to be out in that light. I was tired of feeling the way I felt, but I was scared. But then I started watching and reading other people’s stories and bearing witness.

And I saw people thriving, living their lives to the fullest, and being successful. It gave me hope. And within that hope is the strength to walk forward and, hopefully, to step out of the darkness completely.

Getting Out of My Own Way

Everything that I have been through has made me who I am today. Sure, I had to get through much bullshit. But, primarily, I had to get out of my own way by facing my abusive past.

That past was why I was initially on a path to self-destruction. And when I didn’t self-destruct with the direct route, I took the more meandering road to self-destruction through lifelong addiction.

Eventually, I saw myself for where I was in life, and I did not like what I saw. So that led me to realize that I am an alcoholic, and then I removed alcohol from my life (still working on how that all works for me).

I am still here. And here I write. And draw. And tell my story. I would not be doing those things if it weren’t for all my life experiences.

Bearing Witness Purposely

The experiences that I have had led me to this moment, sitting here, writing. I can wish all day long that I did not grow up in an abusive house. It is a part of me and will be for my entire life. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to choose those experiences to be a part of my life.

I had no control over the people I was born to or how those people treated me. Now, I have control. I get to choose how to incorporate those experiences into my life, not the other way around. And I get to decide who comes into my world too.

I look at it like my abuse and trauma darkness will be there. It doesn’t go away. So how can I use it to help me and help others instead of allowing it to affect me negatively? That is the question that I ask myself.

At least for me, I want to understand the more profound ramifications of my abuse. So I am pulling from neuroscience, sociology, and psychology to understand myself better. For others, their path may differ in incorporating trauma into their existence. Or that isn’t the answer for some people at all.

Finding Purpose

And I found at least part of my answer while bearing witness to others’ stories. I found my purpose; to add my story to so many others.

I envision all of our stories connecting to a global narrative. That connection will create something amazing all over the world. I am not sure what that thing is yet. I am not sure I will know what it is until it happens.

Perhaps a world without abuse and violence? That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? I think so. And I believe it is possible.

Bearing witness is not a requirement for healing. That top honor is therapy. Therapy can also help you to see that there is a light within the darkness. And you can find it and reach it too.

I recommend Online-Therapy.*

Check out some of my other writings about alcoholism and sobriety. “The Slow Descent to Sobriety” starts my December series about addiction and my journey with sobriety.  You can also check out my recent poetry,  What Happened to All of My Words??

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