It’s All About Choice

by Talia | Mar 30, 2023 | It's Family | 0 comments

Sharing this helps others realize they are not alone

Choose My Family

The following is another blog post from years ago. Anything new is in italics.

I am fascinated by my earlier thoughts. And clarity around the idea of choice and choosing my family.

What I have seen and been through since this blog post has reinforced what I wrote here. Unfortunately, I put myself on a path to be near people I thought were family but were not. And that isn’t on them.

It was my choice to move. They have been who they are the entire time. I didn’t see it. Alcoholism and unhealed trauma will do that. Once I removed the veil (through sobriety and therapy) and I saw them, really saw them, I wanted nothing to do with them.

My therapist said it best (as they do, it’s like they are trained or something). She asked, “Why would anyone think someone actively healing from trauma wants to engage with or be around people still in trauma response mode?”

It’s akin to a recovering alcoholic in a room full of alcoholics.

Triggers are EVERYWHERE.

Choose Wisely

I wish I could have chosen my family origin. But as a newly minted human being, I didn’t get that choice, so I ended up with an abusive, dysfunctional family.

I suppose the luck of the draw, or I must have been a horrible person to end up with that lot in one of my past lives. Either way, I was stuck.

I knew someday I would get to choose my family. My true family is people who love and support me unconditionally.

For Myself

And that’s why I vowed when I became an adult. I would choose wisely the people I allowed in my life. But I didn’t know what having a choice looked like.

I now know whom I need in my life better than ever, and I stand by those decisions.

My superpower is being an introverted, empathic, highly sensitive person. I can read people. I know what they are feeling, and I know what they are thinking. So I pay attention to EVERYTHING.

So, yes, for those mere mortals, perhaps it does seem like I am “too quick” to dismiss a potential friend, but that is not the case.

Dysfunctional Families are EVERYWHERE

I am working on those choices as I continue with sobriety and healing. Then, finally, I get to say who is in my life. But it isn’t easy. There has been pressure, though not as much now, to have relationships with certain people.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT. If I tell you that I am not interested in a relationship with someone, there is a reason for that. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.

I was not expecting to find dysfunctional families everywhere. Some are abusive or bordering on abusive, and some are just icky with enmeshment. No matter the specifics, I am not interested in engaging with any of that.

I Say Toxic, and You Say…

I say toxic, and you say toxic. Is it like tomato versus tomato? Do I have different definitions of toxic, dysfunction, and abuse than someone else?

Is it different for me than anyone else, though? There are definitions, parameters if you will, of those dynamics. Is mine much different? The answer is no. The difference is I am hyper-aware of those environments. How could I not be? I grew up in one.

The most significant difference is whether a person continues engaging with that dynamic. You can only change yourself. That is true. But you send a message when you stand up and say “No” to engaging with those dynamics.

And that is when you become a badass cycle breaker and begin to change the world.