Five Years Sober
As I write this, it’s been five years and seven days since I had my last drink. I am split on how I should react. On the one had I want to stand upon the tallest building, shout this accomplishment to the world, and curl myself into a ball and cry with despair.
Five years plus seven days is an accomplishment. Hell, one hour sober is an accomplishment. But why would I be curled up crying? Because there are people who will say I’m not an alcoholic. They will tell me to my face that I am wrong about myself.
I’m shaking my head as I write that because I don’t understand what they don’t understand. When I go back over moments in my life, the parts this person has witnessed, that all point clearly to me having an issue with alcohol consumption, and yet this person is in denial when I am not.
I’m An Alcoholic
I can’t have that one beer, one glass of wine, one mixed drink, etc., and be fine with that one.
That one drink will end up being twelve beers, an entire bottle of wine (or several), multiple mixed drinks, etc. You get the point.
I was slowly rolling towards death. A tortuous, long road to suicide. It was so slow that most people didn’t see it. Neither did I for the longest time.
I was a high-functioning alcoholic. I never lost a job because of alcohol (it helps that I was self-employed). Quite the opposite, I was successful.
Ironically, the same drive that made me successful is the same thing that makes it so I can’t drink.
I don’t stop. I will keep going until something stops me—or, in this case, I stop myself.
I never got into a car accident while driving drunk (which I did a lot).
But I lost friends because of my alcoholism.
That’s the thing with alcoholism. No one on the outside could have told me I had a problem with alcohol. Alcoholics have to realize their truth and then do something about it; otherwise, nothing will change.
But now that I’ve realized I am an alcoholic, have come to terms with my alcoholism, and embraced this new poison-free life, I still have people telling me I’m not.
It’s very interesting.
And confusing.
And frustrating.
Was it Too Easy?
Even five years later, there are people in my circle, in my innermost circle, who don’t believe I’m an alcoholic in recovery.
- Maybe I haven’t pulled back the curtain enough?
- Did I make my sobriety seem easy and effortless?
- Should I have fallen off the proverbial wagon?
- Should I have been hospitalized?
- Should I start crying every time someone has an alcoholic beverage in my presence?
- Do I tell everyone who doubts my addiction that in the beginning, I would lie awake at night shaking and sweating, thinking that I could make it better if I just started drinking again?
- Should I have lost my job?
- Failed miserably at all of the things I was trying to do?
What “evidence” could anyone possibly need to stand in denial of someone’s truth?
And what right does anyone have to deny my truth?
Silent Fight
I have faced my fight with alcohol like I’ve faced most of the hard truths and decisions in my life – silently. I didn’t go to meetings. I didn’t tell my therapist until six months or more into sobriety.
I didn’t want anyone’s outside perception of me to influence the decision I was making for myself.
I used to think that meant I didn’t know myself.
I now know that meant I knew myself all too well.
I was raised to believe I needed others to tell me about myself.
I didn’t trust my gut. How other people saw me was how I saw myself.
Those beliefs about myself stayed with me much longer. And because they started at such a young age, they became incorporated into my core beliefs.
Never trust me because I don’t know the truth.
I was an unreliable narrator in my life.
The need to verify my truth with others stayed with me until recently.
Lessons Learned
It was alcoholism and sobriety that taught me that others do not know me as well as I know myself.
And so when I decided to stop drinking, I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t share my struggles or challenges with sobriety. I didn’t want anyone’s “truth” of me to stop me.
I knew my truth, and that was I had to stop drinking.
And so now, to end this, it doesn’t matter to me what others believe or don’t believe about me, about my alcoholism and subsequent sobriety.
I know myself better than anyone else.
You can choose to believe me or not.
Are you wondering if you’re an alcoholic? I highly recommend therapy. I found therapy a safe place where I could find myself again. I know you will too.
I recommend Online-Therapy.*
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* I receive compensation from Online-Therapy when you use my referral link. I only recommend products and services when I believe in them.
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