Finding My Guide
This post was not the post I originally planned for today. Sometimes (all of the time?) I need to learn to go with my instincts. Or perhaps it is just something that has been on my mind for long enough that I need to get it out of my head and put it on paper. And post it as a blog, of course, so here we are. I have recently started guided moon meditation with Lindsay Jamison.
I am in awe of Lindsay. I am going to get that out right now. She followed her passion for art, meditation, and yoga. And she is helping so many people, including myself, on their journeys of self-discovery. Admittedly part of me is jealous too. Not the hate jealousy, no this is more that I wish I had dared to follow what I knew was my calling like Lindsay.
Regret the Regrets
I know regretting the past is not helpful because those things have already happened. As I have read repeatedly in so many different ways, the only places in time and space I can affect are today. And in some ways, tomorrow, depending on how I prepare for what I want to accomplish.
And all of those experiences have led me here, to where I am now. It is not a bad place to be. And so here I sit and write. And I believe that I can move forward, finally able to breathe and follow my heart.
Following my heart is hard for me. Even as I write this, I can feel myself pulling my fingers away from the keys on the keyboard as I push to write them. I need to learn to let go of how much I try (and succeed) in controlling myself. I can feel it, like a wall going up in my mind, keeping things contained.
The old me would have watched that wall go up, shrug, and reach for another bottle of wine. Alcohol kept me stagnant, complicit, and uncaring regarding the wall that trapped me. The new me (or is it simply THE ME?) looks at that wall, finds a sledgehammer, and goes at smashing those walls. I mean, that is what I want to do, but it isn’t that easy in reality.
When I write about control and the desire (and at times need) to let go of that control, it is that creative side of me that I want to allow to flow. I know it at the very core of who I am. Now, how do I do that? Through guided moon meditation, of course! Wait, what? All skepticism aside (and believe me, I have a lot of that), guided moon meditation helps me immensely.
For those who think that the moon is so close to the earth doesn’t affect us, here is some science to ponder.
The lunar cycle has an impact on human reproduction, in particular, fertility, menstruation, and birth rate. Melatonin levels appear to correlate with the menstrual cycle. Admittance to hospitals and emergency units because of various causes (cardiovascular and acute coronary events, variceal hemorrhage, diarrhea, urinary retention) correlated with moon phases. In addition, other events associated with human behavior, such as traffic accidents, crimes, and suicides, appeared to be influenced by the lunar cycle.1
Guided Moon Meditation
I first found out about Lindsay Jamison and her excellent full moon meditation art classes from my friend Jane on Facebook. It looked interesting, and it involved art, which I am exploring more and more. I did have to put my skepticism aside. But that is a healthy thing for me. And so, I ignored my critter brain (change is bad!), and I signed up. That was in February.
Several months later, I love it. I look forward to the classes. What I have learned about myself through guided meditation and art is beginning to free me. I can feel the self-imposed chains loosening around my mind. I am not there yet, but as Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither will I be able to free myself in a day either.
I still, and maybe I always will struggle with that need to control myself. And to keep how I feel locked inside. At least I can now recognize it and try to work through those things. And hopefully, someday, heft that sledgehammer, and tear everything down.
Scared to Be Me
Even though during the guided meditations, I still try to control where my mind goes. Monday evening’s class, with the giant pink super moon, was incredibly challenging to me. Because I was consistently trying to control where my mind went, that strong pull of the super moon was a force that I kept pushing against during the meditation.
I could feel that push-pull that became a challenge to my oppositional defiant self. I will maintain control! I cried out within my mind. But what I was doing was not helping me; it was quite the opposite; it hurt me. Because that push-pull was me against me. Why was I doing that?
Because I am afraid, I am so scared to be me. The me that has been hiding for so long. Do I even know if there is anything left? Am I empty? What if I don’t like myself?
Guided Meditation Colors
That feeling of fear that I will find is missing came through in my drawing after the guided meditation. And empty, blank space amidst the colorful world. I am that blank space. I didn’t realize that until as I am writing this now. Those colors didn’t show up in my meditation. Maybe they would have if I hadn’t been fighting myself for control.
I let myself go enough to draw that circular burst of colors, but at the center, nothing. I kept staring at that space, that glaringly white space, trying to think of what to put there. But it didn’t feel right to put anything there. I had to leave that space empty. Because that is what I am afraid of. That the world is so full of color, swirling around me, and I am an empty white spot in the midst of it all.
NOTE: Lindsay did not ask me to write this or to give her props. In fact, she doesn’t know that I am writing this. This is my way of thanking her for how much she has helped me.
Please do check out her website, https://lindsayjamisonart.com/. She has yoga classes, art classes, and various other things that will help you be YOU.