Of Spiraling into Darkness
This post is not what I originally planned on publishing today. However, I am writing this and publishing it on the same day because I am struggling. I have been steadily spiraling into darkness for the past week or so.
I really need to start writing these types of things down. I don’t remember when it started, but I know it is still with me. I have read it isn’t the best way to go about blogging, but I don’t care today.
I was spiraling so much that it took everything I had within myself to go to the grocery store the other day. I was having heightened anxiety while in my house. You know, the heart pounding, the brain telling of your imminent doom—that super fun weekend stuff.
You think you are doing great, and then for some unknown reason, anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts start coming at you a mile a minute. Then you begin to think that you are horrible, that maybe you hadn’t gotten as far in your healing journey as you thought. And the downward spiral picks up more speed.
And that is where I am this week – spiraling down into the darkness. I came home today from working out (yes, I can spiral and still work out), and my hubs asked me if I was okay. I looked at him, paused (because my brain wanted me to lie), and then said, “No, I am not okay. I am far from okay.” I didn’t cry though tears came to my eyes.
I am oddly proud that I didn’t cry, like holding it in and sucking it up is what I am supposed to do. Or whatever BS I have been told and then convinced myself of. I need to knock that shit off, but that is a goal for another day. I only have the energy for one thing right now, pulling out of this spiral.
Healing is not Linear
It isn’t a linear process, this healing thing, journey, whatever you want to call it. I am proof positive of that. Some days I am great. On other days I am in the gutter. Why? Who knows half the time? I don’t, and I sit and ponder myself, my history, and my life, A LOT.
And if I can’t figure it out, well, anyone else out there reading this, don’t beat yourselves up for not knowing either. We can not know together.
I cannot figure out what started or is continuing this spiral, but I know when to bring in the reinforcements. And to let my husband know that I am not okay. Those are HUGE steps for me.
Back on Meds
Ugh, I am back on meds, well, only one of them. I am waiting to see how that one works for me before maybe adding the other one. There are some not-so-great side effects for me with these meds. The upside of my med, it helps to stop the spiral. The downside, my intestines hurt. And when I work out, I have to be careful not to push too much because I will pass out.
So, yeah, not happy about the meds, but not for the reason that Before Times Me would have had. Before Times Me would have berated me about being weak for not being able to make it without the meds. And I am clearly not well, and what the hell have I been doing in therapy for the last four years? Whole lotta nothing if I am back on meds. Waste of money.
Am I glad that Before Times Me is exactly that, the before times? Yes, I am. Because none of what I would have told myself then would be helpful at all. Now, I see that sometimes I need some help. Whether that help comes in a little pill, a CBD gummy, or my hubs hugging me and holding space because I told him I am not okay.
Where Am I Now?
I don’t know. I really don’t know where I am with this situation. But again, this isn’t new, but my level of awareness is new. I have spiraled before; very similar to this one. But, again, I could talk myself through it using grounding techniques and other methods. But I could feel this one was different, deeper than the last one.
I was tapering that spiral off my Zoloft, and I thought maybe the spiral had something to do with that. It didn’t, but I still remember feeling relieved when I took that pill. I also know that Zoloft does not work instantly, so hey, the placebo effect, who cares. I will take it.
I can’t help but think I am so glad I am sober because I would have gone on a severe drinking bender this past weekend if I wasn’t. And alcohol would not have helped me. On the contrary, it would have made me worse.
Sharing the Spiral
I am always hesitant to share these moments because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my blog to be a place where I write about anxiety, depression, and C-PTSD without any helpful ideas on what to do. I want to help other people figure this stuff out too.
Then I remind myself that it’s important to share and that most of us don’t know what to do with our feelings and memories. There is no one size fits all salutation to healing from trauma. What works for one person might not work for another.
We are all here, trial and erroring our way through life and being our superhero.