Stuck in Trauma Time
I have been catching up on Doctor Who, and time has been on my mind. Time is especially weebly, wobbly time, wimey for trauma survivors. But, unfortunately, there are moments when I am stuck in trauma time.
Trauma time is when something in the present day triggers me, and I am suddenly back in that trauma. Like Doctor Who, I can travel in time.
Although I much prefer the locations the Doctor and their companions visit over where I go. But I can’t control that, at least not yet.
When those moments of trauma time travel occur, I want to be done with it as quickly as possible. But time is annoying. I can’t control it.
Time simply is what it is, and it takes the same amount of time no matter what.
A Moment in Time
Of course, there are moments when I want to slow down time. When I want to savor a moment and really take it all in. Those moments I want to revel within and never let them end. And again, time doesn’t care.
Time simply is. Humans created a way to measure time based on the Earth’s revolutions around the sun, but measurement construction has not swayed time. Like an old man ambling down a country road on a sunny day, time will arrive when it wants.
As I pondered time, a poem started forming in my head.
A Moment in Time
Time is the same no matter what.
Then why does it seem to move slowly or fast
depending on the situation at the moment?
How does that work?
Amid angst or sadness,
time should move quickly.
Yet, it doesn’t.
Oh, how I wished time had moved faster for me,
When trauma formed within me,
and now the memories snatch me
back in that time,
that I could reach for
some magical button,
to move time forward from that moment
onto something better,
But time does not do that. No one controls time,
Time simply is what it is.
And I wonder, without that magical button,
how can I be more like time?
To just be what I am,
Moving along at my pace,
Nothing pushing me faster or slower,
no more trauma time pulling me back
into the past full of shadow terrors,
and harsh words.
Can I learn from time,
to be more like time,
in its stoic stance of simply being?