I am fascinated by memories. As something with complex PTSD, I have intrusive memories. Snippets of a time past that force themselves into my present, pushing me back into the past.
Unburdened is such a relatively innocuous word representing so much of what had to happen for me to heal. The moment I released myself from the burden of being the secret keeper and the scapegoat meant I could breathe for the first time.
I get frustrated and angry when people don’t hold space for me after I have shared a hard truth with them. What is wrong with them? I needed them, and they were not there. Is it they don’t know what holding space means? Perhaps, so let’s clear that question up. Read on.
Time. As a trauma survivor, my perception of time is confusing. In a moment, I can be whisked back in time. But, then, my reactions are not based on my present but on the past.
What is this? Is a poem that came about as I wondered what it be like to be unbroken. To somehow go back in time before I was shattered.
In the past, I didn’t realize what I was bringing with me, which was everything. I thought that if I moved forward fast enough or kept moving forward, I would outrun my past. I was wrong.
People wear masks. I know I do. And that is okay, until that mask covers up who you really are. See, even though I wear a mask, it is still representational of who I am. But that is not true for all people.
I have no idea how many people read my blog. It doesn’t matter. I write for myself, to heal, and if anything I write resonates or helps anyone else, that is the cherry on top of my writing sundae.
I originally wrote this in December 2020. Since then, I have found my community with the Ask A Sex Abuse Survivor group. And with this group, I was reminded of this post and decided to update and repost it here.
I realized the connection between being a victim and having my boundaries ignored (or forgotten) because of white male privilege. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that throughout history, white male privilege had provided an avenue for one group of people to victimize and marginalize anyone who doesn’t look like them.