To Decrease or Not Decrease

It’s time. Several weeks ago, I started decreasing my medication. I was on what is considered a high dose of Zoloft, at 150 mg per day (technically sertraline – a generic version of Zoloft for those keeping track). The first few weeks, I was like, this isn’t bad. But now, on week three, I am starting to notice some changes.

First, there is a bit of an inability to focus on my writing. I haven’t had that as an issue in a long time. I could sit and get into the headspace to write about the hard things. So this is me trying to focus enough to get this written. Or to write something.

I missed posting the other day (my goal is two posts per week), which wasn’t because of my lack of focus. I was annoyed that I didn’t get to focus on what I wanted. Maybe I had too much caffeine? Perhaps my playlist isn’t right?

Is it the Music?

I recently moved my music app from Spotify to Pandora because of the whole Joe Rogan thing. I am so tired of corporations paying white guys ridiculous amounts of money to spread lies, misinformation, racism, and misogyny. Can we please have new voices to hear?

Maybe it is all of those other things and has nothing to do with my medication modification. Except here is the thing, in my gut, I know that it is the medication decrease. I know it. That is my truth. Why do I feel the need to keep coming up with other reasons? Because I still don’t trust myself. So there is that as my truth too.

Getting Angry…Again

My short fuse is starting to come back. Which I find interesting. I don’t like that my anger is returning. Case in point, two kids, stole packages from the front of our condo. We live in a gated community, so that is unusual. I was out of town, but Mike was home, working upstairs. Our Ring doorbell captured the entire incident.

I became angry with two things in that scenario. One that those little asshats stole my stuff (yes, I called them asshats, that is what I was thinking). And if I had been home, I might have heard them and ran them down and beat their asses. Yes, I thought about that too, for real. I was that angry.

The second thing was I became angry with Mike, although I didn’t express my anger towards him. I was starting to realize what was going on within my mind. But I was mad at him, nonetheless. I told him that I would be receiving packages and keeping an eye out for them. He forgot, and when I got home, I figured that there had been a delay in delivery. But by almost a week later and still no packages, I was starting to wonder.

Lost Or…?

Thinking the packages were lost led me to investigate further. I saw that Amazon had taken a picture when they delivered a package. That picture included both boxes that went missing. I mentioned it to Mike, and he reviewed the Ring doorbell footage. Sure enough, two kids ran up and grabbed both packages not long after the second package was left.  

I would understand still be annoyed and angry, if the stuff was used or sold to buy food or some other necessity, I would be like, ah, they had to. But neither of those was true because those kids ditched all of the items they had stolen. When police apprehended them, they did not have any of the items.  

Relax and Breathe. Maybe.

Only when I forced myself to consider all of those other options did my desire to rain hell down upon them change. My anger dissipated, and I breathed deeply many times. As I started to calm down, I noted how angry I had gotten.

It also helped that Mike gave me THE LOOK when I mentioned hunting them down and beating their asses. Knowing that look means to chill out made me pause in my brain’s spiral of violence to defend MY STUFF, MY TERRITORY, MY SAFE PLACE.

It is an interesting revelation for me to have those feelings, that someone steals your stuff, and I can watch it on video a week later and get angry because I am powerless to stop them. That is where the anger comes from, the feeling of powerlessness. It isn’t at those kids. Not really. It is the way I felt when I watched them steal those packages.

True Powerlessness

I have an intimate awareness of what true powerlessness feels like, and I hate feeling that way. I felt that way so much during my early childhood years. I had no power then. I was at the whim of abusive people. Watching those two little asshats steal my stuff brought all of that up for me.

It has taken a while to figure all of that out. I had to sit with those feelings and figure out why I quickly got angry. As I decrease my medication, these types of emotions will arise.

I do think decreasing my meds is a good idea. I don’t want to walk through this world without addressing what is going on for me. So yeah, it will be rough going, but I am still here, working the good work.

Here is the crucial point. I have a choice now. I didn’t have a choice then, but I do now. And telling myself that I have a choice changes my perspective. Choice is everything in life. Choice is our true freedom.