Birthday Anxiety

It is my birthday. I have now been on this planet (in this life) for forty-six years. It is a weird day for some reason. I have anxiety, and I am not really in a good headspace. I am trying to figure it out, but I am not sure what is going on. Yay, birthday anxiety.

Why am I having birthday anxiety? Is it that I am not where I want to be in life? And what does that mean? I don’t know. I am feeling pretty good about the things I have going on currently. I live in an RV, travel the country, and write (the latter be my lifelong dream) about my life and experiences.

What is there to not like? Or instead, what is there to be anxious about? I was putting pressure on myself to get out and do something, to not just sit here in the RV and look at FB or playing Best Fiends. I responded to all of my birthday wishes. And thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday.

Month-Long Birthday

I used to be all about my birthday. It was not only a day; it was a whole month. I didn’t want anyone to forget that it was my birthday, or is it that I didn’t want myself to forget it? My birthday was just another day most of the time in my family.

My birthday was not a reason to celebrate. Or was it a manipulation way for my mother to show me how little she cared about me? Even though I know that she cared deep down beneath all of her issues and illness.

Here is a weird thing too. My palms are sweaty. I am writing this, and I am leaving sweaty palm prints on my table. What am I so anxious about today? What is happening within my brain that is creating this reaction?

Why the Birthday Anxiety?

Is it that I am in a new place, yet again? Is it that moving around this much has created a situation that I am now, compounded with my birthday, that I have reached some saturation point? That I am pushing myself too much to get out and see new things, even though I am so tired and overwhelmed? Is it?

Am I going back into the history of my birthdays and thinking about how much I want to celebrate my birthday, and when I came downstairs on the morning of my thirteenth birthday, no one said happy birthday to me? Do I think about that?

That doesn’t happen anymore. My husband woke me up with a Happy Birthday and a kiss. That was awesome. So, my present-day birthday is AWESOME. How is it that the past may or may not be bringing in some level of anxiety?

Comparison Birthday Anxiety?

Am I comparing myself to others and their birthdays and thinking that I should be doing something differently? What is a birthday anyway? Another day? A day that marks our entrance into the world, perhaps it is that I came into this world crying, and for whatever reason today, I want to cry again?

I did cry a little bit as I tried to explain to my husband that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. He asked for what, and I said that I didn’t know, as the tears slid down my face.

When I say I am putting pressure on myself, that could be my anxiety, which is to say that I am creating a feedback loop in my brain that my anxiety is spiking for some reason. What though?

It is a bit annoying because I can’t think of anything that has occurred that is triggering. Maybe the smoke? We are near Lake Tahoe, and the air quality is awful, so not going outside much today.

Finding that One Thing

It is probably that I haven’t exercised in several days. When we are traveling, we don’t exercise and then factor in the smoke; there is no way I am doing anything outside that is physically exerting that will cause me to inhale all of that crap out there in the air right now.

It is never one thing. Why can’t it be one thing? Why can’t I figure it out, point to that one thing that is causing me to feel this way, and say, AHA, I have got it! And then work through that thing, that ONE THING, that is causing me to feel this way on my birthday.

Why can’t it be like that? Because it is never ONE THING. All of the things that I feel are a culmination of the life that I have had thus far. It isn’t that I have had a bad life, one that I look back on and think, this sucked.

Ups and Downs

I mean, it is like anything; there have been great times, there have been bad times, and then there are the neutral times. Another year has gone by, and what have I got to show? I don’t know. Is that the reason to celebrate birthdays? Maybe.

I think it is a time to reflect. And in that reflection, a chance to look at the past year. And think of what or how you have lived in your life and make any changes in the future. After all, we can only learn from the past and change the future.

Or, and this is possible. I am overthinking my birthday. And that I need to stop writing, stop thinking, and have a good time today. And that is what I am going to do. RIGHT NOW. My critter brain will not win today. No more birthday anxiety!

UPDATE:

BTW, so much easier written than done, but I did do that yesterday. I had lunch with my awesome friends at a great lunch spot with my comfort food, Frito pie, and then walking around some shops. I stopped at a coffee shop with a great name (Drink Coffee and Do Things). I had a great time too!